Bouncing Back

Since I started this blog a month ago, I've been excited about the possibilities of dating The Brit. I've mentioned him in many posts and before we had even been on one date, I coined him as "the man I was going to marry." Well, if you saw yesterday's post, you read that The Brit is not my cheesecake. He's just... not. When I got home from our date on Sunday I went about my normal life. I even stopped by the grocery store to do some shopping. I had left my dogs with my parents that morning since I was going to church and then straight to the zoo for the date. My dog's love going and I would feel less guilty with them not being home alone all morning and all afternoon. So, when I got to my parent's house and my mom asked me about my date, I frankly told her "it kind of sucked." This immediately launched her into how sorry she was and how she was really hoping for this one and how she was so sorry I had had a bad day. I was honestly taken aback by her reaction. "I didn't have a bad day," I said, "the date just wasn't very good. Not that big of a deal." "But he was the man you were going to marry!" she replied. Oh. My. God. "Mom, that was a joke!"

This conversation went on for another 5 minutes or so with her assuring me it would all be okay and telling me how disappointing it was and sorry she was for me. I was standing there trying to figure out why it was such a big deal and why she thought she needed to console me. I don't need pity. Thanks, but seriously, it was just a lame dude. I can handle that. I have enough of my own awesome that I do not depend on others to bring me my happiness or my good days. Don't get me wrong — when other people make my day better it's amazing. There is nothing better than being shown how much someone cares because they are doing the things that will make you smile. (Which is probably what my Mom was trying to do.) I just don't need it. I didn't feel upset in the least bit.

I was excited before it went south. I genuinely was. I had high hopes. But somehow between the front of the zoo entrance and the close of my car door to drive away though, I decided none of it mattered. I don't consciously remember doing it. It just happened. This is usually the way it is for me. I fall into crush hard and fast or not at all. That crush is immediately either escalated or extinguished by a very small number of dates. My serious crush turns into deep, not-getting-rid-of-me love when fed by the right dates. Lucky for my heart, this situation happens almost never. Until I commit to a person because they are amazingly wonderful and I feel they are entirely worth the pedestal I have put them on, there are almost no emotional consequences for them turning out to be jerks — at least not when they've proven their jerkiness for me to see with my own eyes. This is not always the case for the leave-things-open-ended-and-give-you-no-closure jerks. When people fall off the face of the earth with no warning and just stop texting or calling, that I have trouble with. I like closure and packaging my life's events into neat little packages to place on the shelf of my brain to examine at a later date if I so choose. Sadly, life does not always work this way. (Me and the forces that be are working on this issue together.)

Either way though, liking a guy and him turning out not to be the guy for me is really okay with me. I'd rather learn that early than after I already have fallen for him. At that point, I am going to declare it doesn't matter and that it's not true and try my best to make it work anyway. And that's just not healthy for anyone. So, isn't it better I don't care? On the other hand, though, the not caring is bothersome for me. Does that mean there is something emotionally stunted in me that I can be completely infatuated with someone but then declare I don't even care an hour or two later? What does it mean that I am that fickle with my feelings?How can I be in a bad mood because someone isn't texting me back to a point of feeling physically off and then decide just 24 hours later that he is a bit of an ass and I don't really care. Are other people like this? Is this just me protecting myself and my emotions?

I genuinely feel like I don't care — it's not a front by any means. I do care in that now I have to keep looking and I was wishing this could just work out but I feel like I can't afford to dwell on that. Dwelling on that fact would have negative consequences and I don't want to handle those. So I guess that is the root of my "I don't care." I care... just not enough to feel anything or deal with anything that has to do with it.

I'll just move on and keeping rocking my awesomeness solo. Any takers?