Ditching the Self-Sabotage

As I go about my life these days while keeping in the back of my mind the idea of The Brit and all that our promising date could mean, I can’t help but be hopeful. It feels a little silly to be excited about a boy when I am 27 years old (isn’t this how 15 year olds act?) but then, isn’t this what crushes are supposed to feel like? As the keyboard-playing creator of the idea behind “finding my cheesecake,” said to me last night, “if it makes you feel young inside, it can’t be all that bad.”

I suppose it’s just that most of my friends are married or have been in long-term committed relationships. I don’t remember them talking about their significant other so excitedly but I guess they did. It’s just been too long for me to remember or they were better at keeping it in their own heads and not spewing it out of their mouths for the world to hear. Keeping quiet is not my strong suit, as you have seen in my posts.

In the name of a potentially healthy relationship and an attempt to keep my word to not self-sabotage my potential relationships by letting my past dictate my future, I have decided to make a plan for success for this relationship. Certainly, I know that I cannot control things and especially not another person. But what I do know is that so far, The Brit seems like a really good and noble guy. He calls when he says he will and he sends me swoon-worthy chivalrous text messages. He has solid morals and we seem to have a very compatible sense of wit. Based on his age (he’s a few years older than me) I am thinking we are looking for the same things out of life as far as marriage and children in the near future.

Certainly I can admit that some of these things I am thinking may turn out to be very different from what they actually are as we have only been out once and only talked a half a dozen times. Perhaps I am giving the potential relationship a sunnier outlook than it deserves, but I am going to keep these rose-colored glasses on as long as possible and only see the good. I need to see good in a relationship for a change. I need a good guy to support me and I need to support a good guy. I’m getting awfully tired of going about my life solo. Where’s my partner in crime? I would be pretty darn happy if it turned out to be someone with an excellent British accent…

Because of all of these things, I’m refusing to let the thoughts of why he hasn’t texted since he has been away in London (I’m sticking with the fact that this seems pretty normal since he has crossed an ocean and is likely with family and old friends he never gets to see) enter my brain for any extend periods of time. I am refusing to let the “what if he doesn’t call like he said he would” thoughts enter into my brain for more than a millisecond before I shove them back out with sounder, happier, more positive logic. I can’t afford to think the bad thoughts; they lead to bad things and relationship failure before the relationship can even get started. I’ve done it time and time again and these types of behaviors end with The Brit. They must. After all, he’s the man I’m going to marry, remember? I can’t self-sabotage an important relationship like that, can I?

Wish me luck on this endeavor… it will likely be a tough plan to stick to even if things continue to go well. I’ll check back in about it when I have something new to tell. I hope that means soon. The Brit is scheduled to return next Monday. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock….