The Weird Beast of Online Dating

My usual daily routine consists of waking up, getting ready and going to school where I see children who are, almost exclusively, under the age of 7. The adults at my school are a ratio of probably 35 women to 7 men. There are FOUR male teachers at my school and three male custodians that I see. Did I mention that all of these men are married? The rest of the people I work with are all women. When I get home from school, I usually exercise and then go to tutor little kids on math and reading at a nearby library. I don't know when the last time you've been to a local library was but the female to male ratio doesn't look so good there either. And besides that, the library has mostly old people and people with young children — not exactly a hot bed for dating activity. Other than these daily activities, I have band practice for my ALL-GIRL band, church band practice with all married men and women with the exception of me and my grad school class which has 2 men in a class of 25, one of whom is married and the other is in a relationship. These are my normal, happen-every-week activities and to be frank, they keep me really, really busy. By the time I get home from these things most nights, it's past 8:00pm (some nights it's past 10:00pm) and I am ready to sit on my couch and hang with my dogs instead of go out to meet boys. Going to to meet people seems like one more thing to add to my "to do list" that, at the end of a long day, just doesn't make the cut.

I'm too busy to date and want to be married and have babies in the next five — who am I kidding, three — years. Excellent. I'm no expert but this seems like a problem. So, I joined the world that is online dating. Weird is an understatement. There are a ton of different sites, some that you pay for and some that are free, all with roughly the same creepy guys, nerds, people who live with their mothers, people who are so weird they make their own species and guys who haven't seemed to grow past the age or mentality of 17 year old's. Somewhere, intermingled sparsely between guy who watches too much anime and guy who has 6 cats and lives in his mom's basement, there are a few nice and decent human beings who would be date-able. I'm sure this must be true purely based on the odds. However, I have not seemed to have located them yet. Can anyone find me a map or algorithm that makes these guys appear in my "match pool"?

I'm on OKCupid and have been for about a year or so. Before that, I did Match.com and briefly eHarmony. I stopped doing these sites two years ago because I was annoyed I was paying a website to confirm that guys sucked. I already knew that. So, since OKCupid was free, I stayed there. No harm in just browsing, right? I've been on a lot (A LOT!) of lame first dates. I sat and listened to an hours worth of conversation despite the fact that I knew within 5 minutes that this guy and I were not going to click at all. I'm pretty in-tune to people. I can gather quickly whether or not a person and I can be friends and compatible at all. A gross majority of the people I have been out with from online dating and I have absolutely zero chance of hanging out in a situation that does not require the social politeness and obligation of me staying, nodding and smiling.

After The Brit turned out to be just a snobby British guy last Sunday, I came home and the universe decided to pepper my television with commercials for eHarmony. Not being one to ignore the signs, I looked into it. I remembered not loving this site before but what did I have to lose? I signed up for a plan that is about $135 for the year, broken down into 3 payments of $45. I don't love the cost but it's completely manageable and I need another avenue other than free OKCupid seeing as the most intriguing email I receive are to participate in threesomes (my reply is always, "While I teach sharing at school, I do not not practice this motto at home.") and the other, legitimate emails are from men that say, "Hi. Nice pics." What do I even do with that? I'll stay on there and not give up hope but THESE PEOPLE ARE REALLY WEIRD AND SOCIALLY AWKWARD. Do I really fit in the same category as these other online daters? Am I that weird and don't even know it? I mean, I know I am my own person and am set in my ways but these guys truly seem way off to me. So far, eHarmony is not doing so well either but I've got a year so I'll make the best of it.

Online dating is weird. I will try these two sites and while there is still hope in me left, I'm not holding my breath. I'm just not sure of what else I can do. I don't meet or see any eligible men most days. My weekend runs to Target and the grocery store are my best options... and that is also a frightening statistic. If you know anyone who might fit the bill below, feel free to pass my letter along to them for me...

 

Dear future-husband,

If you are reading this, please come find me now. I am ready to meet you and am quite certain I will make an excellent wife. Our wedding will be simple and inexpensive and our house can be small. I like to cook and keep things, with your aid, clean and tidy. (Please note I said with your aid.) I am certain I will be tough to live with at times because I am hard-headed and am set in my ways. However, you are surely strong enough to deal with that and I am sure you have your own quirks for me to deal with as well. I am smart, like to read and to have conversations that leave me thinking and smiling to myself a few hours later. I am a worrier and will worry about you a lot so please try to be as communicative as you can when dealing with me and, me being myself, will surely do the same for you. You must promise to love me wholly for all the things I do and am, good and bad, and I can promise you the same. I will be forever faithful as once my mind is made up (and this applies to nearly every facet of my life) I am done thinking and will stop at nothing to bring my vision to fruition. Marriage is sacred to me and I believe that people should only marry once. Once you feel ready to make this commitment to me, please come find me. The wait is getting long and I can only take so many more bad dates.

Love,

Your future wife