Head In The Clouds

My kiddos are playing at developmental centers and happily bringing me their latest creations they've pretend whipped up in the kitchen center. I take a make-believe bite or two, they giggle, and run back off to play some more with their friends. I dive back into whatever it was I was working on but truly, my mind is somewhere else. It's thinking about what I want to write next, how I can get more tutoring clients and fit them into my schedule and the best way to think 'outside the box' and make a life for myself that I will be able to smile every day at. I thought the very same thing as I was driving through my neighborhood the other day on my way back to school with the popcorn for our class party; is this really my life? Is this really where I am? And thinking now, more importantly, why I am spending my days with my head in the clouds instead of being happy and present in the current moment? There's a problem there.

As I sit and try to figure out how to even begin to organize my thoughts for this post, the very idea of writing it seems selfish. I have a good, solid job which pays my bills and allows me a few luxuries here and there. I can eat out with my friends and family once in a while and I can buy a new dress once when I need one. I can afford to go to Happy Hour after work on Friday for a drink or two if I'd like. I am almost done paying off my debt and then I will have enough money to actually be saving some at the end of every month. For all of these things, I am tremendously grateful. These things are huge things that many do not have. I do understand how lucky I am to be able to say that I can do all of these things and I don't mean to sound like I am not when I speak of how I dislike my job. The things is, as immensely strange or conceded or egotistical as it may sound, I expect more of myself. Not more meaning that teaching is not enough of a job (because truly, the teachers I know are the hardest working people I know) but meaning that teaching is not my true purpose, and therefore, I expect I would not linger since it is not where I am supposed to be.

I need to find my path in life. I think that teaching is a stepping stone — it has taught me a lot about myself and about how much I truly love working with children. It has taught me patience and to laugh even when I sometimes feel like crying. It has reminded me of a lot of lessons that I hard forgotten while trying to become a grown up. Some days I feel I learn more from my kids than they probably do from me. All of this said, I feel that after just 5 years of being a teacher, I am already becoming burned out and complacent in my job. I am not doing everything I could be doing to prepare myself for the day ahead and I honestly am not interested in doing any more. While my kids learn every day and go home smiling and singing songs way more often than not, I feel I could be doing a much better job. Surely I am being a bit hard on myself, but if that is the case, how do you ever learn to feel good about your job when you know you are not doing your best? I speak to this all the time with my students and yet I am not practicing what I preach in my own classroom.

I am sure a lot of teachers feel the way I feel. We are being forced into doing so many things daily and being asked to try out so many programs on our children that we know are inappropriate (because we actually spend time with these kids every day). We spend our days rerouting paperwork and reworking each activity to make it more fitting to the little people in our rooms and we, as teachers and professionals, get lost somewhere along the way. We burn out. We feel tried. We get grumpy. And the people who sent these activities and made these rules and came up with these asinine ideas aren't around... So guess who misses out on happy, smiley teacher? Not the head-honchos. The kids. And that just sucks.

I think the bottom line is that I fundamentally like the root of my job — the kids. And I need to figure out the best way for me to be able to do that and still feel like I am succeeding each day. I spend my days helping kids — that part I love — but this teacher thing is just not me. (Good thing I have a Master's degree in it, right? Well, at least I will after my last class tonight!) I feel trapped and constrained and it drags me down. I have a million ideas on things I could change and try and pursue but I can't seem to ever have the time to really focus and plan how to leap into something else so that it would be half way secure. Or maybe I am just to scared that if I stop running on this treadmill of busy teacherdom, I might actually figure it out and have to do it. I have to face the facts that nothing is going to fall into my lap. Nothing ever does that — you have to plan and work for things. This used to be the part of life I was very good at. I used to be a master planner when it came to life but I feel that side of me has been hiding lately because all these plans that I have made and achieved aren't really panning out the way I had hoped. I think that's life though. So, now what?

I think now is the time I need 'more doing and less bitching,' as they say. I need to stop talking about how things suck and find a new plan to make some real changes. It's April. I'm certainly not making any changes before summer hits. So until that time, I will hopefully not be posting any more posts like this. I need to settle in, find my happy face and get with the program for a few more months. I need to actually read "The Happiness Project" and work on getting happier, dammit. And then, when summer comes and I have some time to focus on what I want, I need to think about how I can make some changes and go into next school year with either a new plan or a new attitude. Phew. Good talk.