During the last week of spring break and being off school, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the way my life was being lived. While on break from school, I really got a lot done rising at 8:00, going running around my neighborhood for a mile or three, completing some yoga and then showering. I could have all of this done before 10:00am. From there, I wrote a great blog — I had great stats last week on here due to the fact that I did some real thinking and really sat down to put my inner brain on the page — and enjoyed some relaxed coffee and a hot and healthy breakfast I cooked myself. Last week, I cleaned random parts of my house and redecorated. I got my life organized and recharged my batteries so to speak. I was able to spend time with family and friends and not feel like I was on a treadmill nonstop and having children and adults alike expecting me to achieve super-human tasks. It was a wonderful week and I felt like a more well-rounded and whole person during that week than I have felt in a really long time. Actually, since I was writing for Girls' Life in Baltimore during college.
I guess my point is, during all this time off last week that I spent being decently productive, I couldn't help but realize I am not really very content in the current state of my life. I began realizing how much I wanted out. How much I would love to continue working with kids but in a different capacity. I would love to tutor elementary-aged students in reading and math. I love helping kids I just don't like the paperwork and demands of the school-system. I am a little 'Type A" when it comes to people assigning me tasks — if you ask me to do something, I will do it and do it well. In the world of education though, this idea is nearly impossible. I am asked to complete so many extraneous tasks on a weekly (if not daily) basis that it makes me want to scream and run. The people giving the tasks know its nearly impossible and I feel they just "hope" a few will get it done and that will be enough proof to whoever asked them to see it that we'll pass as a school. I don't work that way though — that is an extremely frustrating way to treat me. I will do everything you ask me to do even if it makes me crazy. So much so that at my school this year, my kindergarten teammates have actually been annoyed with me a few times for completing projects because they didn't have time or plan to do them at all. They were annoyed because since I did them, they felt like the would need to do them too. How backwards! I'm not trying to make enemies... just do my job... even if it does drive me crazy. I'm an overachiever — it's what I do.
So, like I said, this life is draining me. All my creativeness and passion gets sucked right out of me on a daily basis by this kids that I truly love tremendously. That love is just not enough, it seems. There must be a better way though... preferably one that will not make me want to take a nap all afternoon every day of my life and hide under the covers for eternity. I've got to find a better way. I'm just not sure how to make any bold moves right now since I am single and 27. I am working on paying down my credit card debt (I'll be done by summer) and am otherwise doing alright. All my student loan payments are consolidated and I can (mostly) pay my bills each month. But if I left teaching, I am not convinced I could find a job that would have me this financially secure. And for a single woman, that is something I require. I would love to start a tutoring business and feel like I could probably build a pretty decent client base and make good money doing it... but what about insurance? I need healthy, vision, dental and without a big school-system backing me, I'm seriously doubting I can afford it.
The scary facts are that this future I can see where I am working with children on my own terms — it exists only when I find a husband with a stable job himself who puts me on his insurance. Oh my god. Back to needing a husband again, so soon? Crap. Is there anything my life that doesn't require this? I want to get married. I need a husband. I want to have children. I prefer a husband for this. I want to freelance write, blog and tutor to pay the bills. This means I need insurance and so, I need a husband.
What is this, 1950? What happened to being able to do whatever I put my mind to? I hate to set women back by stating that I need a husband to accomplish my life's plans but in all seriousness, I think I might... Sorry, independent women, my bad.
I'll think about this while I am off to visit my 5-year-olds. Any suggestions, friends?
No comments:
Post a Comment